Feel Alive

We all know as mothers we are constantly bombarded with worries, questions, joys and more worries.  We want our children to grow up educated, loved, humble and most importantly to know that God is good and that He loves them (us).  We are so afraid that we will screw them up and that one day they will sit in a nice comfy chair talking to a psychologist about their messed up childhood.  However, deep down I know that I am doing my best, we are all doing our best.  I know that if I listen to the spirit, he will guide me and help me make the right choices.  I am so full of love right now for the love of God.  He is so giving, so loving and ONLY wants what is best for us.  I want to be good.  I want my children to see that I am following Him.  I want them to see the love He has for us and want them to feel it.  I was listening to a Swedish singer the other day, and in her song she said "Jag vill kanna att jag lever" which translates to "I want to FEEL alive".  I just don't want to BE alive I want to FEEL it.  I want my children to have the knowledge that we are blessed.

Everyday I think Him for what we have.

Thank Him for my husband and children.

Thank Him for my friends.

Thank Him for not having to go through what the people in Haiti is going through.

And most importantly -

Thank Him for feeling alive.

Dylan's Passion

Rick and I always talk to the kids about "find your passion".  We constantly encourage them to seek out what they love and then go for it (other then wanting more lego's and pet shop). Dylan has found his.  He likes a lot of different things; motorcycle riding, wake boarding, biking, skateboarding and so forth...but skiing...that's IT!  He is an amazing skier.  He has surpassed me (which wasn't very hard) and is up to par with his buddies who have been skiing a lot longer.  He has no fear (which brings fear to me...but that is another blog).  I am so proud of him!

Prayers of Faith

My friend Laurel sent me a link to a "strangers" blog.  I read it and read it and wept. Her infant son passed away recently and she has been sharing her thought.  She is amazing.  Her words go straight to your soul. So honest and sincere.

prayers of faith.

I want to make this very clear:

my son died

because God called him home.

For a while,

Gavin was kept alive by a merciful God

in response to the faith and love of countless hearts

the.world.over.

The moments surrounding his death

are far too sacred to share in full.

However, I feel that those of you who were

praying fervently for my sweet son

deserve to know

why God didn't answer our prayers of faith.

There was a point at which the fight was really "on".

His little body was literally head to head with Death himself.

Thinking about it,

aside from making me want to vomit,

reminds me VIVIDLY of the strength of my son's spirit.

His spirit was SO MUCH LARGER

than his tiny mortal self.

Suddenly I came to this horrifying realization:

I was keeping him here on Earth.

It was my faith, coupled with yours,

and his sweet daddy's. . .

oh, his sweet wonderful daddy.

It was our faith that was keeping

Gavin's beautiful, pure, PERFECT spirit

here in this fallen world.

. . . and I knew I had to let him go.

I was terrified.

Yet, in that moment,

I became keenly aware of my inherent strength

as a literal spirit daughter of God.

In that moment,

my faith in Him

translated into faith in myself,

and with all the courage in a mommy's very soul:

I leaned over his bed,

kissed his puffy, ice cold cheeks,

my loving tears rolling across that tiny chest. . .

wherein lay his perfect heart. . .

his perfect, dying heart.

I took his tiny fingers in mine.

Those fingers I had held and counted a billion times over. . .

and I told him it was alright to stop fighting.

I told his heart,

it was alright to stop beating.

It was time to go.

Tears were shed,

promises made,

and moments later, my little angel in the flesh,

was returned from my arms

to His from whence he came.

And the Spirit of God shone around us in that

little room.

And we knew,

WE KNOW,

the separation is only temporary.

We will hold our boy again.

When the time came,

we squared our shoulders

and hand in hand we carried our broken souls

. . .

away.

I still don't know how I left that room,

how I handed his tiny body to the nurse. . .

and left.

Left that room,

that hospital,

that state in it's entirety.

Only in and through the grace and power of God. . .

who has remained at our side.

God does hear our prayers of faith

. . . and true faith requires our ultimate submission to,

and trust in, His perfect will.

Believe in God; believe that he is, and that he created all things, both in heaven and in earth; believe that he has all wisdom, and all power, both in heaven and in earth; believe that man doth not comprehend all the things which the Lord can comprehend (Mosiah 4:9).

Believe these things.

I sure do

If you want more...here is her blog http://www.natalienortonphoto.com/

I miss our angel

Yesterday I received an e-mail from a customer and on the bottom it had a quote about her loosing one of her children.  This is what it said "An angel in the book of  life wrote down Presly's birth and whispered as she close the book, "Too beautiful for earth!".  I wrote her back and asked if she had lost a baby and she had at the same experience at 7 months along.  We both shared some thoughts.  It is amazing how close you can feel to someone who has gone through the same thing even though you don't know them at all.

December 26 will always be a day of remembrance for me because that's when an angel in the book of life wrote down Elise's birth and whispered as she close the book "Too beautiful for earth".  Every time I hear that my heart hurts.  I miss that little girls so much, I feel her spirit missing in our home. Sometimes I sit and imagine her little body running around.  I see other little girls and my heart hurts.  I know she would have been a busy girl.  She was a kicker and moved around in my stomach so much, until Christmas 3 years ago.  She wasn't moving around anymore.  She left me.  What I would have given to be able to see her eyes, hear her cry and watch her move.  All I got was a small limb body.  I wanted to shake her to make her open her eyes and wake up.  But at the same time I was so scared to move her small little body, I didn't want to hurt her.  She was perfect, nothing was wrong with her.  She looked so much like Dylan and Isabella, same little button nose and cute mouth.  Her feet and fingers were so long. I can't write more...My hearth aches.  My tears are streaming. I miss her.